I’ve been thinking about fat lately. I’ve dropped 5 or 6 pounds, enough for me to notice and even for other people to comment. The pounds disappeared from my stomach, exactly where I wanted to lose weight, but the funny thing is, I miss them.

I didn’t mind FEELING rotund, just looking rotund. There’s something comforting about having a round belly. Maybe it’s some evolutionary sense of safety; “I can live off this fat for months!” Maybe it’s having a mini-me to hang out with and to be my companion in life. Maybe it’s that all-American philosophy that bigger is better, the more the merrier, etc.

Whatever it is, psychologically it’s comforting to have some extra weight on your bones and to feel large rather than small. At least for me it feels that way. I’m only 5 foot 5 inches, which I experience as short. So if I can’t have height, at least I can have width!

Anyway, as I shrink slightly, I do feel a mild sense of loss, and so I wonder if truly obese people hang on to their weight to avoid that feeling of loss. Might it be like people who hoard stuff and refuse to throw it away? What exactly do we lose emotionally when we lose weight from our bodies: our margin of safety, our emotional armor, or a little bit of our selves?